Crash-diets are one of the uniquely American traditions.

There is a high percentage of the world's population that doesn't know where their next meal is coming from, but Americans willingly starve themselves. And they do it entirely for aesthetics. 

Sure--we mask it.  Now it is called "fasting" or "a cleanse", but we all know what it is.  People can't control their desire to eat Oreos by the shovel-load and decide that simply starving yourself is the only way to lose weight.

Nowhere is this more-prevalent than with brides-to-be and particularly bridesmaids-to-be.  To hell with planning and proper exercise, a woman just decides that two weeks before the wedding starts that she'll look like Brooklyn Decker by living off of Diet Coke, cigarettes and yoga until the wedding day.  How would you like to sit next to this woman on an airplane?  If you dared eat your peanuts in from of her, there is a fair chance that she will throw you through the cockpit door like a missile.

Fortunately, I don't have to deal with this.  Melissa is neither the crash-dieting type, or the "goes to the gym but doesn't really workout" type.  Instead, she stays in shape year-round and genuinely enjoys exercise, the same way I do.  She is shaking it up a bit with the wedding coming and trying "cross-fit".  (If you're not familiar with cross-fit, it is the brain child of a Navy Seal who drank two gallons of Red Bull and decided to get a workout in by throwing cars around a parking lot.)  I'd love to join her, but for the past year have been working out at home, doing "P90X".  (And to answer the obvious follow-up question, "YES! I absolutely tell-everyone-I-know-how-hard-and-how-great-it-is-as-much-as-I-possibly-can-but-am-still-not-as-obnoxious-as-someone-who-is-training-for-their-first-half-marathon.")
But I kind of feel like we're missing out by avoiding traditional "gym workouts".

"The Gym" (particularly in January, when all of the New Year's Resolution types are slogging their way through the one month of exercise they'll actually get this year) is a magical place where strange and mysterious creatures appear.  It's like Narnia with barbells.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Clearly, you didn't make a New Year's Resolution to workout this year. 

I'm a firm believer in this-: the same people exist at every gym in the world and if you were to see them outside, away from the exposed pipes, loud music and rubber floors, you'd have no idea who they were.  It's like our own private Truman Show for 70 minutes,  five days a week.  You don't know any of their names, don't particularly care for most of them, but oddly feel more comfortable seeing them when you walk in every morning.  And for the same reason, trying to maintain a normal conversation with someone you know outside the gym when you're working out is impossible because their presence is interfering with your warped social interactions with your gym friends. 

Maybe this whole wedding thing has me nostalgic, but I've spent the past week thinking about my Gym Friends...I'm sure you've met most of them:

"The Social Butterfly"
He hasn't been in a tanning bed in almost an hour, which explains why his teeth have stopped glowing.  His hair is gelled, his clothes are stylish and his sleaves are cut-off, exposing the tattoo of the Italian flag on his right arm.  He only performs one exercise. Bench press of course.  185 pounds on the rack...maybe 7-8 reps.  Then about a fifteen minute break to talk to every 35+-year-old woman in the gym, making it clear that if they're looking to have an affair, his studio apartment is clean and the beer sign over his bed provides a romantic glow.

"I'm Here because my Wife is Making Me" Guy
This guy is an absolute sweetheart and probably lives up the street from your parents. He's completely content being 30 lbs overweight, but because his wife signed up for Jazzercise, she drags him to the gym every morning so he can do the elliptical at 2 mph while soaking in some television. Unlike the other 60+ year-old men in the cardio section, he isn't watching Fox News, but is content with whatever the previous person left on...because he's just cool like that.  If he exists outside the gym, I bet he gives out full-size candy bars at Halloween...

"The Non-Cougar"
She's about 40. Clearly divorced.  Superstar fit.  And her breasts were clearly created by an assembly line.  That sports-bra she's wearing gives her the attention of every 20-something guy in the gym, but she's not having it.  While she walks like a cougar and talks like a cougar, if you haven't sold your first business, she ain't havin' it.  You can look, but taming this beast requires a Ferrari.  The Social Butterfly thinks he's close to finally sealing the deal, but she's just humoring him, waiting for her next prey...

"Hotel Workout" Guy
While you won't see him at your home gym, stroll into the 10x10' gym at a Holiday Inn Express and you'll find him getting his only workout of the year.  He's got dress socks on and will uniformly do the following workout:
-Two minutes on the treadmill at 143 mph until he jumps off, pretending there was some kind of error with the machine that caused him to stop.
-Between 3-5 bicep curls with a weight that is 6x what he should be lifting.
-A trip to the water cooler.
-A sigh and cursory glance over the room to see if anyone is paying attention.
-And a quick getaway...
What goes through these guys heads? Just because a hotel offers an amenity does not mean that you're required to use it.  Do you take the shower-cap home too?

He's a close relative of...

"I Don't Know How to Use Any of the Equipment" Guy
You know how at a public beach there is a row of bouys that you can't go past until you've passed the swimming test?  Gyms should have the same thing. Not that I'm an elitist that wants this idiot off of my bench, but people need to stay in the Nautilus section because someone is going to get hurt if he keeps trying to balance that 30-pound weight on his ear...

"Comfortably Naked Guy"
He's normally pretty fit and someone you don't mind sharing gym space with, but as soon as the workout is over, he's walking around the locker-room, dressed like the Charmin baby.  (I've even seen him dry off in the air-dryer!)  For some reason, he loves talking to you.  He thinks your career is fascinating and whatever exercise you were doing could really help him out.  He's a heck of a nice guy, but his business is way too close to you for you to feel like talking about business!

"Grunting Buddies"
At a combined-weight of 620 pounds, Ron and Ron, The Grunting Buddies, spot for each other every day in the free-weights section.  In the five years they've been lifting weights together, neither has ever so much as attempted to mount an elliptical machine, because guys named Ron don't use elliptical machines. They lift big weight for an hour a day, while grunting and spitting their ways to herneas.  Together, they're comic-relief, but once a month you hear one proclaim "I won't be here tomorrow, I gotta go to my kids' wrestling match."  When you hear that, take notice and just go for a jog the next day, because when The Grunting Buddies are separated, they become...

"Can You Give Me a Spot?" Guy
"HEY! Can you give me a spot?"  Inner-monologue: "No, Ron.  I can't.  You're trying to bench-press a Subaru and I don't want to get your spit on my new Lululemon running shirt."  But despite what Jiminy Crickett tells you, you respond, "OH YEAH! No problem!"  Then you're inspired to say things like, "All you!" "You got this!" "Come on!" as he cranks out three reps that will keep the chiropractic industry profitable for the next decade.

"New 80s Workout Gear Guy"
He's in the gym every morning and is actually in pretty good shape.  But the neon, lycra pants and the Cobra Kai headband remind you that despite his otherwise normal appearance, there is a pretty good chance he's a serial killer. 
Being out-of-style is one thing, and wearing old clothes is another--but this guy somehow manages to find brand new workout gear that is older than Justin Bieber.  You can't trust people like that.  He won't use an elliptical or any Nautilus equipment, because in his Whitesnake World, those machines don't exist! 
Nope--all free weights and exercise-bikes for him.  One of the few Gym Friends that you can find outside of the gym, but you may also know him as one of his alter-egos: "Skis in Jeans Guy" or "Dude at the Bar with a Toothpick Dangling Out of his Mouth".

"See This Unattractive Married Woman I'm Training? You're not Training an Unattractive Married Women...and that Makes me way more-Awesome than You" Trainer Guy
Personal training is really hard, and for the most part, good personal trainers are grossly-underpaid.  But like any profession, there are good ones who are underpaid and terrible ones who are paid by people who just don't know any better. 
You know this turd.  He sports his bright red trainer shirt and his undergrown goutee and walks around like he owns the place, when in reality, the place owns him.  I pity the women that shell out $60 an hour to have this guy read off a list of workouts he picked up in the 3-day training course and only hope that those same women have the sense not to hire him again in three years when he inevitably starts selling mortgages.


And my personal favorite...

"Only Hot in the Gym Girl"
She's in fantastic shape and sports those Nike stretch pants like she's the mannequin that they were built for.  In the gym, she's the object of the affection of every personal trainer and the occasional 40-year-old guy who happens next to her on the treadmill...but leave the gym and throw her in work clothes and you realize that she kind of looks like a foot.  Her hair is ratty from constant sweat, her pores look like a lava-rock and she smiles like a marionette.

And for this exact reason, she never leaves the gym. 

She stays.

In her ideal habitat.

With the rest of your Gym Friends.

Ensuring that if you "just don't have the energy" today, there is something else to lure you back to the land of white towels and water-bottles...

I miss these freaks.
I'm going to go join a gym.


This blog is my voice in the wedding-planning process.  It is not meant to be an advice column, but rather a glimpse into the mind of a man who is walking into certain doom.  Share it with the world!!